dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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