So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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