why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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