I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
