I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
