I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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