She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
