I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize