I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
