I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
