I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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