Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why do cheetos always look like penises
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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