I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
