Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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