I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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