So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
