I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
this will be a night to untag.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
