i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
