I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
