she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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