You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
