apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How does one acquire holy water?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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