she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
