Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
