I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
