I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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