There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
