so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
