The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
