I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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