The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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