So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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