Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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