he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
