we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
