her vagine was all disorganized.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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