He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
