I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
