Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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