$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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