Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize