can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
did you just send me my own nude
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
