I am in a vortex of obligation.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
