I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
