he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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