do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need to calm my uterus...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
