It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
