My friends, they love my intelligence
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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