I wanna passion pit in your ass
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
