I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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