I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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