Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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