My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
