he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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