all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
As shirtless as possible
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We're too hungover to prance.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
