My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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