i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
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