I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
